Dear 'GMA' Advice Guru: Sophia Venable
Dec. 21, 2010 -- Sophia Venable from Los Angeles, Calif., is a finalist in the Dear GMA Advice Guru Contest. Read her response to a viewer-submitted question below!
Question from Rene in California:My wife had a medical accident 6 years ago, is in a vegetative state at a long term care hospital and I am still in love with her. Although everyone tells me to date and find friendship with someone else, I still feel guilty, as though I'm cheating. Is there a time frame I might look forward to, or perhaps a mindset that I can try to adopt to overcome my guilt? I'm not actively looking for someone, but the two instances that an attractive woman showed interest in me, I think they could tell that I was "attached" and soon disappeared. Is this common? Is there something I can do to, at this point, just meet a friend?
Sophia's Answer:
Dear Rene,
I think your commitment to and love for your wife are beautiful, and my heart aches for you and your families.
As far as dating goes, it sounds to me like you are still very much married ... not just on paper, but in your heart, and that's what matters most. Right now, you are not emotionally available to someone else in that way. Your guilt around cheating is because you are still in a committed relationship. It makes perfect sense.
It seems what you are saying, though, is that you are wanting to be ready to date, and wondering when would be a reasonable time to do so without guilt. When it comes to losing a loved one, conventional wisdom is that it takes a minimum of a full year to grieve... to experience every season, milestone, and holiday. However, your situation has not allowed for a clearly defined end to your relationship. Sadly, it comes down to you starting the true grieving process when you decide that you are ready to let go of hope, and let go of this relationship. No one can say how long it will take to be ready for that. You may still have some hope deep down that she will come out of it. Or you might be ready now, and that's what you feel guilty about. Only you know. Whatever it is, it is your truth, and you need to honor it.
You have experienced an enormous loss and I hope that group support has been offered to you. Grief counseling has a very high success rate for those who are committed to their healing.
As far as friendships go, I encourage that. Group activities are a great, no-pressure way to meet women and men, married and single. For example, joining a biking club through your sporting goods store, or learning to scuba dive. I met the greatest group of people during my divorce year when I learned to dive. These are new friendships that are unrelated to your married years. You'll make connections that can last a lifetime and, yes, potentially turn into something more down the line when you are ready. If you meet someone attractive, you can be completely honest about your life and where you are emotionally. You owe them that if they express interest. Overall, getting involved in social activities helps you to see the world in a more hopeful way, with plenty of possibility in your future.
Hold on to your old friends too, the ones who have seen you through these times. They mean well and want you to be happy and enjoy life. Treasures, all of them.