Advice Guru on Navigating Difficult Family Issues with Patience, Faith
Feb. 7, 2011 -- Liz Pryor from Studio City, Calif., is the recently appointed "GMA" Advice Guru and she is here to help with life's tough questions. Read her responses to the viewer-submitted questions below!
Dear Liz,
My boyfriend of one year has a really good female friend who he spent a lot of time with before me. Things have tapered off with them, but up to this point they both felt like it was okay to go to lunch or maybe hang out. He did a lot of Web work for her and she'd come over to do painting to pay him back. I know he once had feelings for her ... they never dated, but had dates and he has shared a lot about me and us with her. Is it unreasonable to say that I am not comfortable with their time together which includes several e-mails and phone calls during the week? This also means she always knows what we are doing, what we have done, etc.
-Margaret in Georgia:
Liz's Advice:
Dear Margaret,
Thank you for writing in.
A year is definitely enough time for you to sit down and have a chat with your boyfriend about this. Guys are confusing, they genuinely don't realize sometimes just how difficult something like this can be for us. Leave room for this not to be a big deal. He may say he had no idea it was bothering you, and you can explain what would work best for you. Now, if that isn't the way it goes … I would suggest that you be very clear in your mind before you have a talk about what it is you want from him regarding this friend. It is not unreasonable whatsoever to tell him how you feel, but you will have to give him more than you are not "comfortable" with it.
If you bring it up and he says, "she's my friend, what's the big deal, you can't choose my friends" etc … you need to be prepared. If you'd like to keep some of your life with him -- what you do, what you talk about, where you go private and between you two -- tell him! Have the specifics in mind is what I mean, and know them before you present this. My experience with these situations is that the changes happen over time. He's suddenly not going to be friends with her, but if he's a good guy, you will begin to see their relationship morphing a little in the direction that you'd hoped, and eventually it will most likely land in a place that makes you more comfortable.
Hope this helps. Good luck and don't forget to be patient!
Advice Guru Liz Pryor Answers Your Questions
Dear Liz,
I have a question in regards to my 12-year-old daughter. Her father and I have shared parenting; we have been divorced since she was four. For the last year she has not wanted to go to her scheduled visits. Also, for quite a while she was also refusing to go to school. Most of the days she did not want to attend school were days she was to visit her dad. We have had her in counseling and she did bring up incidents that upset her. My son goes with no arguments, he does not complain, he loves his father and wants to spend time with him. My daughter has anger built up towards her father and resents him. Now, her father and counselor want me to force her to go. ... I talk to her about her feelings, sometimes she will talk, other times she ends up shutting me down. So far the counseling has gone nowhere. I feel with her being 12, I cannot force her to her dad's. I feel we should work on her issues with her dad; then she may want to go for her visits. Do you have any suggestions?
-Jackie in Ohio:
Liz's Advice:
Dear Jackie,
Thank you for writing in.
This has got to be so difficult for you; I hope I can help. The first thing I would say is, I'm in complete agreement that you not force your 12-year-old daughter to her dad's house. I'd like to offer several suggestions as I don't have all the details.
1. First and foremost, have a new conversation with your daughter, immediately. Sometimes we have to surrender to the idea that our children are actually people, and communicate with them on that level rather than the parental one. It can prove really effective. Tell her in a way you haven't before that you respect her and her feelings, even if she can't or won't share with you exactly what she is going through. She absolutely needs to know that you are there for her and will fight for her. Make sure she hears you, and takes this in-- it will help set the foundation she desperately needs right now.
The fact that your daughter is not going to school on her custody days is the big red flag here. The quality of her daily life is suffering due to her present custody schedule. This is the part what will make movement for you when seeking new help. (Keep that in mind)
2. Have you made your feelings regarding her situation clear to both the counselor and your ex-husband? If not, this could be your first step. Make a solo appointment with the counselor. State your thoughts. Try to appeal to the fact that what has been going on for your daughter in counseling is obviously not working. Your stance could be that you feel at the age of 12, your daughter has begun to stand up for what she believes is right for her life, and as a result of this situation her quality of life is being compromised. You could present that being "forced to go" has become a burden she can't handle. If perhaps that burden were removed, and she were given even a temporary period of time to choose if she wants to go, there could be a chance for a turn around. The freedom of choice for her might be enough for her to work herself through this. If I were to assume you don't feel headway can be made with her father or the counselor, then move to #3.
3. You need outside help. If you have a relationship with your divorce lawyer, make contact and explain, and then ask for the name of a divorce/custody counselor. If your lawyer does not have names, do whatever you have to do. If you must go to your daughter's school and have a conversation with the school counselor, do it. Having the school's support can be a huge help to you. Explain to whomever you eventually find, that you feel your child is in crisis; believe it or not, therapists and the courts can be shockingly sensitive and speedy in their response to these situations. If nothing else, you could get a temporary court order for your daughter to be able to work through her difficulties before being expected to go to her dad's. Emotional and psychological difficulty in children is as damaging as physical abuse. Everyone will take this seriously if you present with conviction.
Finally, Jackie, you must reach out to everyone and anyone who can help you navigate this. Look around your life and find the people you know who have resources. I know it can be the most heart-wrenching and sometimes powerless feeling we ever have. But trust in yourself here. You can do this. I am so glad you reached out to me. Take this one day at a time, and keep the faith in yourself that you can do this for your daughter. I hope you make contact with me again so that I can follow your progress, and answer anything else you might need. I'm not positive about the laws in Ohio, but in more than 80 percent of the country the age in which a child is deemed mature enough to choose on their own which parent they would like to live with full time, is 14. Keep that in mind, and remember to trust your instincts.
Trust in yourself and your abilities. Strength and faith for you!
Advice Guru Liz Pryor Answers Your Questions
Dear Liz,
Congrats Liz! I need your help. I have been estranged from my 24-year-old daughter for four years. I'm saddened to the point that I'm depressed. She will not talk or see me and her half-siblings due to an argument she and I had. She also is angry with her stepdad (more him than me) from some very harsh words he said in the same argument. I've tried to keep in touch with her and have communicated to her that I'm sorry and that I wish she could forgive me and her stepdad. She won't even see any of my family due to her holding this grudge. My friends/family say I should cut her off completely, that this would cause her to come back. I can't do this. What can I do? How can I get her to forgive and forget? How can I get her to open up to me?"
- Donna in Ohio
Liz's Advice
Thank you for writing, I sure hope I can shed some light on this and help move you in the right direction. It is so disturbing to hear a mother and child estranged for so long, especially with a daughter at this age. Twenty to 24 is such a huge time in a young woman's life. Without knowing any of the details of the argument which obviously was significant enough to have propelled your daughter at quite a young age to cut off communication entirely, I will give it my best shot here.
To begin, arguments of this magnitude are usually not isolated; they are often loaded with history and past experiences. That said, Donna, I am going to be frank with you. Of course you're depressed; she is your daughter. It is unfathomable what kind of underlying pain you must be experiencing on a daily basis, and I imagine the more time that passes the deeper the pain goes. I also imagine there are many people affected. You mention her siblings, her step father and the rest of your entire family. You use the term "grudge" in your letter to me. Donna, clearly your daughter would not state if asked, that it is a grudge she holds for you. This is most likely much bigger and deeper for her. For her, this has to be one of the most significant experiences in her life to date. She hasn't spoken to her mother in four years. You say that she is more angry with her stepdad than you, and you state again that you wish she would forgive you and her stepdad.
I would say, if you really want to make a move, you will have to go at this alone to start. Remove everyone else, what they think, how they are affected and where they stand, take them out of the equation, start clean, you and her. Whatever happened, and whatever was said, you can't minimize it to yourself nor to her. You will do best to own the part in it that is yours -- completely. Go over it and over it in your head, figure out a way to explain to your daughter that if you had to do it over what you would do differently, and how you wished it had played out. There is nothing more powerful than admitting our frailties and mistakes. It is all you have to offer her besides your regret of missing the last four years of her life. If it were me, I wouldn't let another day go by.
She may not be willing in the beginning, you must be persistent, and Donna it is crucial that you not be defensive, or retaliating. She may need to vent her anger and hurt; you are her mom, and you can take it. But this will not be a success unless you are willing to try and look at it from her point of view. Force yourself to do the right thing here. You have the power to make this right and frankly it is your duty. If and when she brings up her stepfather I suggest you tell her you cannot speak for anyone else, and that you don't want other people or topics brought in to muddy it. This is between you and her. My guess is, there is a lot more to this than the two of you, but for clarity and simplicity, you have to start with you two. Figure out what you want to say, dig deep and find the best part of who you are, and hang on to how much you love her. Go to her house and sit there for a day if you have to, but stay there until this beginning is complete.
The black cloud over your life is bound to dissipate once you deal with this. The real road to healing will take far longer than you think. So stay committed to the purpose, and fix this for your daughter, for yourself and for your family!
Strength and faith for you!