10 Things You Should Never Say on an Airplane

July 22, 2009 — -- This is not a column about "threats," not in the terrorist sense, anyway.

Think of it as a list of taboo phrases and sentences that should not be uttered as a matter of courtesy, or as a matter of, oh, personal safety. Some of these "no-no's" could prompt fellow passengers to gang up on you and pull out a roll of duct tape.

I present this list strictly as a public service. Plus, at the very end, I'll give my take on what should be heard on an airplane. Here we go:

1. "Say, have you taken care of all your insurance needs?"

Personally, I think insurance salesmen (and saleswomen) are nice people, but please resist the temptation to proselytize to a captive audience. And never ask, "Who will take care of your family if something happens to you?" A nervous flier might take that the wrong way. Want to end the conversation? Just say, "I work for the IRS."

For more air travel news and insights, visit Rick's blog at: farecompare.com

2. "Uh–oh, have you seen my doggie?"

Please don't say this. It means you decided to let Sparky out of the carrier, and that's not allowed. Keep him caged, or risk having your pet bounce off the ceiling during turbulence, or get smacked by an errant drink cart. Or maybe an irate passenger will quietly stuff the poor pup in an overhead bin.

3. "If you put me in first class, I'm sure the urge to hurl will pass."

You didn't pay for first class, so you're not going to get first class, no matter how many empty seats there are and no matter how many threats you make. Your only chance is if you're an elite member of a miles club. If not, forget it. So quit whining. You're annoying everyone else suffering in steerage.