Dear 'GMA' Advice Guru: Kimberly Giles
December 10, 2010 -- Kimberly Giles from Bountiful, Utah, is a finalist in the Dear GMA Advice Guru Contest. Read her response to a viewer-submitted question below!
Question from Charlotte in Virginia: "I am writing to you about our daughter who has been married for over three years. She expresses displeasure (initiated by her husband) about the close relationship my husband and I have with her in-laws. My daughter feels that we are intruding upon their time with the in-laws; this is not the case. My husband and I have enjoyed a close, friendly relationship with the in-laws and are baffled and resent being told to back off. We do not see the logic. We were told that to have a relationship with his parents is not normal. Is she right?"
Kimberly's Answer:
Charlotte,
What a beautiful opportunity this is! I love it when the universe gives us opportunities to practice getting along with others.
(And dang it, we sure get a lot of them!)
My advice is to have a loving, validating conversation with your daughter and her husband, and create a compromise that is a win for everyone. This will be a wonderful opportunity to practice handling disagreements with maturity and respect. You can do it!
When you have this conversation with them, make sure that you are ready to set your feelings aside upfront, and understand and validate their feelings. Make the first part of the conversation all about them.
Ask them to tell you more about how they feel about the issue and why. Keep asking questions … and just listen. Do not disagree or agree at this point, no matter how much you want to. Keep your thoughts and feelings on hold. Don't make them part of the conversation just yet.
Show them that you genuinely want to understand how they feel. If you spend enough time here, a magical thing will happen… their hearts will soften, they won't feel as defensive and they will become more open minded about the whole thing. This happens whenever you validate someone's feelings.
Then, when you can tell the kids feel understood … ask permission to share how you feel about the issue. "Would you be open to letting me share my thoughts and feelings about this with you?"
Tell them why the friendship is important to you. (Do not tell them you think they are wrong!) Focus on the reasons why you would like to maintain a friendship with the in-laws. Then ask them if they would be open to creating some kind of win/win.
Ask them what a win might look like to them. Listen.
Offer what a win might look like for you.
I am very confident that having a mature and loving conversation can produce a good compromise. Let us know how it goes.
The principles behind the advice: Listening to other people's thoughts and feelings makes them feel valued at the deepest level. This creates an environment where compromise and good conversations can happen. When you are willing to listen to people, they feel valued and want to give back to you.
Every experience in your life is here to teach you something. Every experience is here to show you something about yourself and to give you an opportunity to step it up. If you see each experience this way… you won't take things as personally and will focus on how you can do better.
