Dear 'GMA' Advice Guru:Vicki Iovine
Dec. 21, 2010 -- Vicki Iovine from Los Angeles, Calif., is a finalist in the Dear GMA Advice Guru Contest. Read her response to a viewer-submitted question below!
Question from Evita in Florida.: "Ever since my fiancé and I got engaged the issue with money seems to be a problem -- not between us, but with family. While going over some wedding details with my sister, my dad asks how many people are we inviting and what food do we plan on serving. After I told him, he said "Can you afford that? I was going to give you $1,000 toward the wedding" (serious tone). I replied "What?! That doesn't even cover a photographer" (jokingly, yet shocked). Even my mom was a bit thrown off with the wedding dress purchase discussion. My fiancé and I have always known that we would do as much as we can [to pay] for the wedding. I expected my parents to not really not help, but now that recent comments have been made, I feel hurt more than anything (they are unaware of how I feel). I invited my mom to go wedding dress shopping for me and even the bridal consultant asked me if my mom was having fun with the whole thing, she also said that she had a "poker face" while I was trying on dresses. ...My fiancé's parents have struggled along with the recession and aren't able to fully help us out. My question is: How should I confront this issue? I feel like I don't want to accept their money since I feel a little resistance from them."
Vicki's Answer:
Back up, Evita! Before you take another step toward picking a gown or hiring $1,000 photographers, you need a budget! If your parents think you're coming off half-cocked, I can see why. I've consulted wedding planners from coast to coast and they all agree that not one step can be taken without a very firm budget in place. Just flitting around to see what the market offers a bride these days is impetuous and ultimately disappointing.
Are you as young as you sound? I know of a couple getting married next week and she's only 25, but you can bet she has had a spreadsheet from the beginning and has stuck to it like white on rice. Do know the average wedding today costs $15-25,000? If you're not conscious, you can spend all that on a dress. That would leave you without a catering hall or anything to eat besides air-popped popcorn contributed by your Aunt Rita, who can't eat any fats.
Your parents' quips and poker faces as you build up your wedding fantasy are understandable if you normally deal with them unpredictably and covertly. What do you really want here: A lovely wedding, or an overwhelming demonstration of your parents' love for you? Right now, it sounds like your parents are a bigger concern to your than your fiancé. I'm just saying …
You have to learn to use your words, Girlfriend, and the sooner the better. You and your fiancé must schedule a budget meeting with your parents. Don't try to sneak it in unannounced over dinner or in front of other people. This is an important step if you're a young woman because it will help you define your expectations of your parents, of your marriage, of you and your fiancé as a couple and transitioning from being a defined less as a daughter and more as a wife.
Oh yes, this is going to be tough. It may even involve tears. You must do it because dollars and cents are very in-your-face, where your family and you seem to be communicating through cans and string. You'll soon learn how your parents feel about you getting married to this man, how much they avoid thinking of losing you, whether they think your mate and you should contribute, AND you will finally have the opportunity to decide whether you will fight for your marriage, no matter what the 'rents have to say about it.
It's going to be tough, but trust me as a veteran of 24 years of marriage, this is small potatoes compared to what you'll face making a marriage work. This is going to be a great experience for you, even if you may not recognize it as such at first. Be brave and confident and try to refrain from any whining or too many hurt feelings because they will only convince your parents that you are not ready for this huge commitment.
Good luck!
