Today "Good Morning America" took a look at the challenges of co-parenting, or a couple raising kids together after they've split.
To help overcome those challenges, family therapist Terry Real dropped by the show to lend his expert advice.
CLICK HERE to see our full report as well as Terry's tips to co-parenting.
After the segment, "GMA" invited its audience to ask Terry their own co-parenting questions. Here are his answers to your questions.
Note: Some questions have been slightly edited for clarity and to ensure anonymity for the submitter.
Terry,
You spoke about the significance of parents living within a close proximity. My ex does not see the merit in this, claiming that since he does the dropoffs and pickups, this should not matter to our child. I have brought up the importance of being part of our community, trick or treating with friends, having play dates on week days, etc., but he still doesn't agree. Can you elaborate on why this is so significant? Thanks!
- Joanna
Joanna,
Your ex sounds like he's still involved with the kids routine, which is all to the good. If he doesn't feel connected to the community as he once was, that's really his choice. But the children need easy and quick access to both parents -- the easier the better.
My boyfriend's divorce was recently finalized. They had been separated for two years. We've been together quite a bit longer than that. His oldest kid is in his teens, and the youngest is a toddler. I'm around the 3-year-old when she's alone with her dad. My question is, Has enough time passed to tell his kids about me? They've known me since they were little, and it's getting harder for me to keep putting away my things when they come over. He promised me after the divorce was final that he would tell them, but now he's got excuse after excuse. We love one another very much and would appreciate your opinion.
- Maggie
Maggie,
You are right. Enough time has gone by to begin the process of introducing you to the kids. The key will be to have patience and do it slowly slowly slowly. Start with a casual introduction, perhaps as part of a group or during an event. Graduate from there to a short outing. Don't barrage the kids with your presence. Patience and restraint now is an investment that will pay off over years.
Terry,
We divorced seven years ago, and we're OK at co-parenting except for discipline. Dad wants to be kid's best friend, gives no consequences for actions. He gives long lectures, then lets it go. I want consequences and responsibility. It has created a situation where my son is saying he wants to live with dad and that consequences only make him madder and behave worse. Other than this, he is a good kid, respectful, and doing well in school. Right now we have equal time with the kids. How do I set consequences? What is appropriate, and how do I convince my son's father to follow through and back me up? Should the consequences for actions that occur at my house follow through to when my son is at his dad's? The differences are damaging my relationship with my son.
- Jennifer
Jennifer,
Unfortunately, I run into this situation a lot. You may not be able to convince your ex to set appropriate limits. When that happens kids -- particularly teens -- will often gravitate toward the indulgent parent. Hold the line. While it's difficult now, your kids will return to you and be grateful as they get older.
Terry,
How do you co-parent when your ex won't speak with you because he's angry/upset that I wouldn't take him back and give him another chance? He says he can't see me or talk with me because it hurts too much. He's angry with me. He's the one who left. He met someone else and is off/on again with her so often it confuses eveyone. I wish he would make better decisions, because my girls (11,15) are seeing his choices play out in front of them. We still share the kids, so as far as I'm concerned we still need to communicate.
- Courtney
Courtney,
Unfortunately, I have no magic wand that can help you render an irresponsible person suddenly responsible. Sounds like you might have a big baby on your hands who needs to understand that it isn't about either of your feelings -- it's about showing up for the kids. I'd try to find anyone -- parent, minister, friend -- whom he might listen to, to try to talk some sense into him.
Terry,
Straight up, I have not been able to provide the financial support needed for my daughter since being downsized from my job last April. I am barely surviving month to month. In repsonse, my ex has now essentially rendered it impossible for me to see my 13-year-old daughter, refusing to take her to the airport, even if I was to pay for the gas and parking for her.
How damaging is this, potentially, for my daughter?
It's killing me not to be able to see my child (not since last Christmas), and I feel bad that her own mother is using her as a pawn in our battle. Any suggestions?
- John
John,
Wow. This sounds like all-out war, with your ex shamelessly dragging your child smack into the middle. As I said to Courtney, unfortunately, I have no magic in turning a thoroughly irresponsible person into a responsible one. To be honest, it certainly seems that any attempt at amicable cooperation isn't going to go very far. You have the right to see your daughter, and she needs to see her father. I would document your ex's uncooperative behavior and consult with your lawyer.