Dear 'GMA' Advice Guru: Elisabeth Salazar
Dec. 21, 2010 -- Elisabeth Salazar from Santa Fe, NM, is a finalist in the Dear GMA Advice Guru Contest. Read her response to a viewer-submitted question below!
Question from Charlotte in Virginia: "I am writing to you about our daughter who has been married for over three years. She expresses displeasure (initiated by her husband) about the close relationship my husband and I have with her in-laws. My daughter feels that we are intruding upon their time with the in-laws; this is not the case. My husband and I have enjoyed a close, friendly relationship with the in-laws and are baffled and resent being told to back off. We do not see the logic. We were told that to have a relationship with his parents is not normal. Is she right?"
Elisabeth's Answer:
Your close, friendly relationship with your daughter's in-laws is certainly a scenario you don't see every day! It's the exception to the rule! But, a good one! Most married couples would be thrilled to death that each of their parents would even spend dinner together, much less a consistent, ongoing, close relationship!
There's much more going on here. Why is this concern divulging itself after three years? I can't imagine that you and your husband spend so much time with the in-laws that it has become an intrusion.This isn't so much an in-law problem as a marital one. If one spouse remains too dependent upon his or her parents, that needs to be addressed in a straightforward way. If one spouse is blaming the in-laws for a disagreement the couple is experiencing, that should be dealt with, too.
Finding your place in a new family, as your daughter finds herself, is probably one of the hardest parts of marriage. In-laws can be intimidating at first. They have their own values, beliefs, and traditions. Parents feel they've loved their son or daughter longer than the spouse has and know what's best for him or her. And your daughter is the new kid on the block. Sometimes, in-laws are loving and welcoming. Sometimes, in-laws are defensive because they feel like you're crowding their territory. Often, they are both.
When your daughter married, she also became part of another family with its own set of expectations. You need to recognize and respect those—within limits. Your daughter needs to find where she fits into her new family and if she is asking for some space, you might want to respect her wishes. Agree to give her time with her in-laws until she is comfortable. However, if after your daughter feels you have given her the space she wanted, and has now become comfortable with time spent with her in-laws, and her husband still insists on a closed relationship between you and the in-laws, then something else is going on…..
Also, a discussion with your daughter's in-laws regarding this situation is needed. Do the in-laws share the same fuzzy feelings you have toward them? Do they feel you are impeding on their time with their son and your daughter?
Remember, your daughter is now married, and a couple's primary allegiance should be to each other, not to either set of parents. And though you may experience resentment toward your son-in-law for the initiation of this request, understand that he is very special because he is your child's life partner. And I'm sure you want your daughter to be as happy as she can be.
It's important to honor and respect your daughter's wishes, but above that, you need to allow her the independence to protect her marriage. This principle will pay great dividends in the future.