How to avoid conflict with family, friends this Thanksgiving
For many Americans, Thanksgiving is a day for food, football and catching up with loved ones. For others, it's what some jokingly call the Super Bowl of arguing with your family or friends.
"Sometimes, people have an axe to grind, and they really want to take the time together as a kind of platform to share their points of view," Dr. Helen Riess, an associate professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School as well as founder and chief medical officer of empathy training firm Empathetics, Inc., told ABC News.
Riess said there are some tips people can follow to prevent, and navigate, conflict over the holiday.
A smoother Thanksgiving starts the moment people arrive, Riess said. People can help prepare their guests to have a good time right off the bat.
Warm greetings and eye contact help guests feel welcome, even if political views don't align, Riess, author of The Empathy Effect, advised.
A small compliment can also help "because if you're expecting disagreements or acrimony, you might be signaling that unconsciously," she pointed out.
If a touchy topic surfaces, ask questions and resist jumping in with your own opinion, Riess suggested. Instead, she recommended trying a soft opener such as, "Can you tell me more about how you came to see things that way?" or "What's been your experience that makes you feel so strongly about that?"
Understanding someone's underlying stressor -- such as financial pressure, past discrimination or feeling left behind -- can help make the moment easier to navigate, she added.
Riess also recommended using statements that acknowledge emotions without judgement such as "It sounds like that's really hard for you" or "I see how strongly you feel about that." They can act like a dimmer switch to lower the emotional heat.
However, sometimes people's frustration can creep in -- and fast. But it's still possible to pivot the conversation without pouring fuel on the fire, Riess said.
If someone feels like a conversation is straying into dangerous territory, she suggested trying a line like "I think if we keep pursuing this topic, it is going to pull us apart and that's not how I would like to spend Thanksgiving. Would it be okay to set this aside?"
Redirecting to something positive like a recent project, grandchildren or a newly painted house can shift someone into a calmer, happier space.
"If you can get to topics that they feel good about and proud of themselves about, it might make things smoother," Riess said.
Deep, repeated breaths can also help lower the stress level that comes along with a disagreement, she said. If needed, step away briefly to refill a drink, take a walk, or take some time for one's self in the kitchen.
"Self-regulation techniques move us out of our own fear centers, like the amygdala, and get us to be in a more open place ourselves," Riess explained.
Humor can also instantly diffuse tension, Riess said. It can be a light joke, a self-aware comment or a playful change of subject.
Adding your voice to an already heated moment can make it explode as can pulling in someone else who agrees with you to double team an already escalating back-and-forth, Riess said.
Arguments eclipse the whole point of the day, Riess said. Even if tensions simmer, remind yourself -- and everyone else -- that gratitude matters.
"End the day with appreciation and thank everyone for coming," she said. "If there is a disruption, you can say 'I look forward to a time when we can all be together with less turbulence and more gratitude.' "
Meredith Montgomery, MD is a board-certified pediatrician, a second-year pediatric emergency medicine fellow at Monroe Carell Jr. Children's Hospital at Vanderbilt and a member of the ABC News Medical Unit.
