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Her writing offers advice to both people who are grieving and those who are dealing with a grieving loved one.

For those who are grieving, Amy offers three key tips.

1. There’s no direct path:“It’s up to you. There’s no book for it. There’s no timetable.” Amy says. “I think the biggest thing is you have to be confident in your mental health and know that whatever you want or need is okay.”

2. You don’t have to explain yourself and your pain:“The big thing for me was realizing how I chose to grieve doesn’t change my love for that person or my experience with the person or their impact on the world,” Amy said. “You don’t need to explain yourself. You don’t need to feel guilty for going to a restaurant. Guilt comes from viewing how the majority of other people grieve, but that doesn’t mean that’s how you have to.”

3. Do things that make you feel good:Amy said she tried several different ways of grieving before finding a therapist and treatment planned that worked for her. When grieving, it’s important to do what’s best for you at that time. “You learn how to make sure that you have those happier days more so than those sad days,” Amy said.

For those who have a friend or loved one who is grieving, Amy gives three points of advice.

1. Know who the griever is:“Ask them to guide you through it,” Amy said. “Each person is going to be different. Know your audience. Ask them to tell you if things you say make them feel bad or good. Ask them, What do you need from me and what do you want from me?”

2. There are no right words – but there are words that can help:“There are no right words. If there were I’d be shouting them from the rooftops,” Amy said. Amy says to use words that don’t diminish or compare a person’s pain with yours. Also, it’s important not to overpromise support. Here are some of her suggestions:•Instead of “I’m here for you. Call me anytime.” Try “I will support you the best way I can.”•Instead of “I understand your pain,” try “I don’t understand your pain. You’re important to me and so is your pain.”

3. Don’t take anything personally: “Don’t be offended if the griever doesn’t respond to messages. It’s just one more thing for them to worry about,” Amy said. “Your relationship with that person is going to have to be a give. You’re not taking from that relationship at this time. You have to give and there will be a time when it’s a two-way street again.”

Amy hopes by opening up about these aspects of grief, trauma and mental health that she can ultimately help other people navigate their grief and put one foot in front of the other to a fulfilling life.

“We’re all going to have these lemons at some point in our life. Life throws us horrible things,” Amy said. “And it really comes down to choosing what we’re going to do with it.”

Editor’s note: Shannon McLellan attended Florida State University with Amy and Ashley Cowie and remains a friend of Amy Buckley.

Editor's note: This was originally published on June 17, 2020.

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