Amy Kean from New York, NY, is a finalist in the Dear GMA Advice Guru Contest. Read her response to a viewer-submitted question below!
Question from Karin in Virginia.:My father was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer back in June and it has caused a lot of stress and heartache for my family as well as my marriage. My husband has been a tremendous support for me, but he has admitted several times that this situation has put a lot of stress on him and our relationship because he constantly is worried about me and my well-being as well as my parents. The last thing I want is for him to be stressed about this as well. How do I better support him and strengthen our marriage during this trying time? He supports me so much and I want to do the same, to the best of my ability.
Amy's Answer:
There's nothing I can suggest that'll make this painful, stressful time any easier for you, or your family. It's a sad, scary situation; there's no way around it.
Your father's diagnosis is heartbreaking. (Even though all of us comprehend -- on some abstract level -- that our parents will die "someday," none of us want to hear that "someday" may arrive sooner than expected.)
Naturally, the news puts a tremendous strain on your marriage. When you feel pain, fear or anxiety, your husband feels it too. Spouses absorb our emotions, both the good and the bad. For better or worse, this is what happens when you truly love someone.
In your letter, you ask, "How do I better support him and strengthen our marriage during this trying time?"
My honest answer: You've got enough to worry about; you don't need to add your marriage to the list. In other words, I'm a bit surprised that, during such a difficult time, you're so concerned with how your husband is coping. (Do you usually prioritize other people's feelings over your own?)
Try to give yourself a break. And stop worrying so much about everyone else. When we're in crisis, we should always remember to be extra kind to ourselves.
Don't worry; a loving husband -- like yours -- understands that his responsibility is to comfort and support his wife during trying times. (After all, wouldn't you do the same for him, if the situation were reversed?) And know that each time you two talk openly, sharing your deepest thoughts and fears, your marriage grows stronger. So keep talking.
Finally, you shouldn't feel guilty or anxious about the way your father's health is affecting your marriage. Instead, trust that if your marriage is solid, it can survive anything -- even a serious family illness.
Unfortunately, I can relate to your situation. My own father fell ill unexpectedly in 2006, and ended up in Intensive Care. After an unspeakably horrific few weeks, he passed away. Those days of sobbing in the "Family-only Lounge," staring at blank walls, watching my father's shocking, rapid decline were unbearable. Honestly, I don't even remember how I showered, spoke or even tied my shoes during that time. I was a mess.
My husband John (distraught and in shock himself) remained quietly glued to my side throughout the ordeal, supporting and comforting me as best he could. He was selfless, and entirely focused on my needs. And he did EVERYTHING imaginable: hand-delivered food to me and my family, did my laundry, listened to me cry non-stop, responded (respectfully) when I asked him the same question ten times, and stayed out of work for as long as I needed, to help me mourn. In short, he was perfect.
I've tried hard to erase that grief-filled time from my memory. But one thing I want to remember is the way my husband helped me to survive my loss.
John made me understand why I got married in the first place.