JC Ellis from Germantown, Tenn., is a finalist in the Dear GMA Advice Guru Contest. Read her response to a viewer-submitted question below!
Question from Evita in Florida.: "Ever since my fiancé and I got engaged the issue with money seems to be a problem -- not between us, but with family. While going over some wedding details with my sister, my dad asks how many people are we inviting and what food do we plan on serving. After I told him, he said "Can you afford that? I was going to give you $1,000 toward the wedding" (serious tone). I replied "What?! That doesn't even cover a photographer" (jokingly, yet shocked). Even my mom was a bit thrown off with the wedding dress purchase discussion. My fiancé and I have always known that we would do as much as we can [to pay] for the wedding. I expected my parents to not really not help, but now that recent comments have been made, I feel hurt more than anything (they are unaware of how I feel). I invited my mom to go wedding dress shopping for me and even the bridal consultant asked me if my mom was having fun with the whole thing, she also said that she had a "poker face" while I was trying on dresses. ...My fiancé's parents have struggled along with the recession and aren't able to fully help us out. My question is: How should I confront this issue? I feel like I don't want to accept their money since I feel a little resistance from them."
JC's Answer:
Like a breastplate of armor worn during Medieval times, subtle signals during the wedding event are often used to shield people from a truth that they fear may pierce someone's heart.
Ask yourself these questions: Might your parents fear that you're too young or too immature to marry? Are they disappointed that you will stall your career dreams by marrying? Are they still underwriting parts of your lifestyle? Is fiance gainfully employed? Does he treat you with respect and dignity? Does he have drama in his life i.e. multiple baby mamas, bad credit and a bad attitude? Does he show respect to your parents or does he come to their house with his pants around his knees, blowing the horn for you to come outside? Did he honor your father by asking for permission to marry you? Are you and your fiance evenly yoked spiritually? The answers to these questions matter.
You write that your parents are "excellent savers and have little debt." That's dandy, but that doesn't mean that they support spending thousands of dollars on a giant party, which is what the wedding reception is. JC always cautions that you really can't count anyone else's money unless you are their banker or investment planner. Many that "appear" to have money based on society's superficial standards (fancy car and house, designer duds) are living a credit card lifestyle, while many who don't "look the part" of wealth have all the dough. So, the thousand dollars that they're offering toward your wedding costs may be all that they can afford to contribute toward your special day.
At issue is your hurt feelings, and your suspicions surrounding their disapproval. Trust your gut, they probably don't approve. To learn why, go to Oz, get some courage and have a chat with your parents without fiance. Let your folks know how you are feeling, and give them an opportunity to tell you what's on their mind. Be prepared that whatever they share may not be what you want to hear. Don't expect to walk away from this chat with a blank check to sponsor the wedding of your dreams.
One of the perks of adulthood, besides buying your own toilet paper, toothpaste and paying taxes, is that you get to make certain decisions with or without parental approval. JC is guessing that your parents have been married at least two decades or more, so they know what it takes to weather the quiet storm that is a marriage. Keep this in mind. But even with the pitfalls that they might be trying to subtly signal to you, your fiance may not be their choice for you, but it's your choice to make.
In the end, don't be silly, graciously accept your parent's wedding contribution. There's no need to make a statement of your own by refusing their gift, wedding cake is costly! Enjoy your wedding and know that you have your parents love even if they don't fully support your decision.