Cooper Boone from New York, NY, is a finalist in the Dear GMA Advice Guru Contest. Read his response to a viewer-submitted question below!
Question from Evita in Florida.: "Ever since my fiancé and I got engaged the issue with money seems to be a problem -- not between us, but with family. While going over some wedding details with my sister, my dad asks how many people are we inviting and what food do we plan on serving. After I told him, he said "Can you afford that? I was going to give you $1,000 toward the wedding" (serious tone). I replied "What?! That doesn't even cover a photographer" (jokingly, yet shocked). Even my mom was a bit thrown off with the wedding dress purchase discussion. My fiancé and I have always known that we would do as much as we can [to pay] for the wedding. I expected my parents to not really not help, but now that recent comments have been made, I feel hurt more than anything (they are unaware of how I feel). I invited my mom to go wedding dress shopping for me and even the bridal consultant asked me if my mom was having fun with the whole thing, she also said that she had a "poker face" while I was trying on dresses. ...My fiancé's parents have struggled along with the recession and aren't able to fully help us out. My question is: How should I confront this issue? I feel like I don't want to accept their money since I feel a little resistance from them."
Cooper's Answer:
Dear Evita,
Your letter has a few questions/issues for me to address. The first issue centers around funding your wedding and the involvement of family. Ask newlywed couples what were the most difficult parts of their wedding preparations and most will tell you it was not dealing with wedding planners or the photographer but with "who pays for what." You've asked how to confront the issue of your parent's response to your engagement and wedding plans. I would start with looking at your expectations and confront those.
My advice for you is that you and your fiancé need to create a budget and plan for this wedding as if nobody is helping you out financially. This will help reduce the expectation of getting financial help from both sets of parents and keep them from being involved in any specifics of the finances. Should they decide to contribute to your wedding this will be nothing but a wonderful gift. By eliminating the expectation you diminish the emotional charge.
Also, keep in mind that your engagement is a time of discovery and understanding - not just for you and your fiancé, but for your families too. What many young couples often overlook is what a monumental occasion and transition this is for their parents as well. Weddings can stir up a lot of feelings for everyone involved. If the two of you remain aware and sensitive to these dynamics you will be on the right track.
Now, let's talk about your mother's "poker face" or perceived lack of enthusiasm at the wedding dress shop. I suggest you have a real heart-to-heart with her about how she is feeling towards your wedding and fiancé. Her poker face might mean MANY things such as sadness of you being grown and on your own; a reflection on her own life and marriage; a fear or disappointment that she's not able to contribute more towards your wedding, etc.
Let her know that you need her support now more than ever and that she's raised a wise woman who is making a good decision in a mate. This will dismantle the white elephant in the room and create a better climate for you and your mom to better enjoy the wedding preparations together!
Hopefully this advice will help you focus more on the joys of getting married, enjoying your big day and establishing a healthy and happy life with your partner and new families.
Happy Wedding!
Dr. Coop