Deborah Rouse-Raines from Cincinnati, Ohio, is a finalist in the Dear GMA Advice Guru Contest. Read her response to a viewer-submitted question below!
Question from Leonard in N.C. "No matter what one has or does, I have a friend who always says, "I've done that" or "I have bigger and better." How is the best way to tell him that the reason other people avoid him is because he always has to "top" what they've done or have? Our friendship is often strained when he pulls this card on me."
Deb's Answer:
Dear Leonard,
Sounds like your friend has "Penelope Syndrome" because it reminds me of the "Saturday Night Live" character, Penelope, played by Kristen Wigg. She is the character that has to one up everyone, every single time to the point of absurdity.
"I have sixty cousins that live in space -- I just lost seven-hundred pounds, and -- um -- I have six babies now, who spoke forty-four languages before they came out of my stomach, and, -- I can fly, so..."
We all have friends or know someone like Penelope, but what do you do about it?
The first question that you must ask yourself is, "How do I feel after I am with this person?" If you don't feel good about yourself, then I suggest you need to think about terminating this relationship. Toxic "friends" are unlikely to change, so it's better to stop investing your time, energy, and feelings into them.
If you do value the relationship and feel that it is otherwise healthy, my advice is to be honest with him about your feelings and see if you can salvage the friendship.
People that brag are often coming from a place of insecurity and low self esteem. Has something changed in the balance of your relationship? Is he having personal problems and trying to hide it? One person's success can create jealousy in another. A true friend will stay true, through successes and failures.
In general, when confronting someone, try to be kind and start with something positive about the person so they know that you are coming from a place of genuine care. It is also important to use "I" statements like, "I feel _________, when you _____________."
Here is an example of how to start the conversation.
"I want you to know how much I value our friendship, so I need to discuss something with you that's been bothering me. You may not realize this, but I feel you try to "top" everything I say. I am happy that you have so much in your life, but it gets frustrating when you diminish everything that I share. I want to bring this to your attention so that we can move forward."
Hopefully, your friend will realize that he has been acting like a "Penelope" and be willing to stop. Knowing that you value his friendship will go a long way in helping him feel more secure. If he brags again, use a little humor. Tell him, "OK Penelope, whatever you say," with a smile and hopefully he will finally get the message.
Blessings,
Dr. Deb