Alan Fleischmann from Chevy Chase, Md., is a finalist in the Dear GMA Advice Guru Contest. Read his application below!
Essay I knew I had a gift for giving advice and listening when I went to see a grief therapist after my mother died. The grief therapist ended up on the couch, thanking me profusely for helping her cope with the loss of her mother. While I was paying for the session, I realized that my greatest contribution to this world might be my ability to step into other people's shoes, listen and talk directly. Growing up in Baltimore as the third child of a transplanted, New York fashion designer and refugee turned war veteran turned lawyer, I learned at an early age that the only way to be heard was to listen, be funny, and have the gumption to say what others are afraid to say. I also developed a unique ability to connect with people, be comfortable in any setting with any person, and make any person comfortable talking to me -- qualities that have served me well as I have traversed politics, from president (and valedictorian) of the school at American University to NAFTA negotiations to the Kennedys and to Obama's Transition Team; advised global CEO's with the Albright Stonebridge Group; co-founded a non-profit to create opportunities for young entrepreneurs; lived overseas with extended family in Argentina, and managed a line of kindergarteners for a moon bounce at my daughter's birthday party. I have learned how to navigate complicated relationships, how to listen with my eyes and ears, ask the right questions, argue any point from any perspective and advise on peace negotiations at home, at work and in life. I would proudly say, however, that perhaps my greatest accomplishment, aside from losing 50 pounds, and what makes me ideally suited for giving advice, is being a great friend and dad."
What's the best advice you have ever given? What was the result?
Ask questions! We simply assume too much "My husband does not listen to me, my boss is angry with me, my bank is offering me the best rate." We make judgments before understanding the real issues at hand. Recently, my 85-year-old father had to undergo a high-risk hip replacement after the same radiation that cured his prostate cancer, destroyed the bones in his hip. We had an A-team of doctors. My Dad asked for help as he was signing off on general anaesthesia -- "Am I doing the right thing?" I took my own advice and began asking questions, discovered that an inadvertent mention of a medication by my father led to the suggestion of general anaesthesia, which he would have likely not survived. After a stellar performance in surgery with a regional anaesthetic, he is out and about, walking (with a cane) and free of pain.
What would you tell this person: "Whenever there is an issue between my mother-in-law and me, my husband refuses to stand up for me. How do I get him to value our relationship more than the one with his mother?
You don't. While mother-in-law-daughter-in-law relationships can be tricky, a strong stomach, a positive disposition, and a bit of restraint can come in handy. Creating boundaries is important. Creating divisions rarely ends well. Talking to your husband is the place to start. Have you told him what you perceive and how it makes you feel? Does he realize the effect of his actions, or lack thereof? Also, he may offer some advice about dealing with his mother and help you interpret her words and actions. "Jonny needs a haircut" does not mean that you are a bad mother. Try to take a birds-eye view of the situation to see what triggers your stomach-churning, when you successfully or fail to engage, and how your husband can help empower your family unit to avoid the minefields in his mother's kitchen.
What would you tell this person: "While cleaning my son's room, I accidentally saw on his Facebook page threatening remarks from his friends. I fear he's being bullied. What should I do?"
Run, don't walk, to discuss this with your son. This is serious. With the epidemic of bullying emerging as early as kindergarten, parents need to get involved early and decisively -- that goes for both the parents of the bullied and the bullies. Don't mention seeing the Facebook messages at first, because even the appearance of snooping -- "you weren't, were you?" -- could undermine the trust you need for open communication. I suggest raising the topic of bullying by using a discussion about a television show, an article on cyberbullying, etc., to specifically ask your son if he has ever seen anyone been bullied, or if he has been bullied himself. Drawing out your son's perceptions of the situation is critical for you to help him recognize when bad behavior crosses the line into bullying, that no one "asks for it", and what we all can do to stop it.
What would you tell this person: "My boss keeps taking credit for my ideas. What should I do?"
Be flattered, first. Second, while it can be annoying to be under the radar, think about how this impacts your career. Are you in a large company where ideas get you promoted? Is there room to grow or is there only one BIG boss? Do teams get rewarded? If getting credit drives your trajectory, there are several things you can do. Document your idea and save your e-mail paper trail for future reference. Signal to your boss that sharing credit is important by using every occasion to say "we" rather than "I" and spreading this spirit so that it infuses the culture of your workplace. Organize a brainstorming discussion with folks from across your company so you can showcase, but not brag about, your creativity. Lastly, ask your boss for career advice in order to help her/him feel ownership of your success. Hey, everyone likes being asked for advice.
Submissions have been edited for length, style and clarity.