Ish Major from Greenville, S.C., is a finalist in the Dear GMA Advice Guru Contest. Read his response to a viewer-submitted question below!
Question from Karin in Virginia:My father was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer back in June and it has caused a lot of stress and heartache for my family as well as my marriage. My husband has been a tremendous support for me, but he has admitted several times that this situation has put a lot of stress on him and our relationship because he constantly is worried about me and my well-being as well as my parents. The last thing I want is for him to be stressed about this as well. How do I better support him and strengthen our marriage during this trying time? He supports me so much and I want to do the same, to the best of my ability.
Ish's Answer:
Hi Karin, saying 'I'm sorry' doesn't begin to express the depth of my sentiment upon learning of your father's illness. Having been on both sides of this equation as a physician and a family member I understand how devastating news like this can be. I also understand some of the feelings you and your family are dealing with right now and know how important it is for you all to be well informed so you can love and support each other through the difficult decisions that may lie ahead.
To help ease the stress and heartache I have a few tips. First, remember to take care of the caregivers as well. In order to give your dad the care he deserves, you have to care for yourself which means taking small "time outs" when you can. Make a schedule so that each caregiver knows when they will and won't be available. 'The Caregiver's Path to Compassionate Decision Making' is an excellent resource to refer to here as well. Secondly, I recommend joining a local cancer support group. They can provide education, teach coping skills and lend emotional support. Your father's hospital can refer you to a local group. Third, scheduling a family education appointment with your father's Dr. will allow family members to have a voice, raise concerns, and ask questions that you may not have known they had.
To support your husband, remind yourself how men think. By nature men are results oriented and "fixers." Men see a problem and want to quickly get to the solution. When there isn't one frustration can set it. Some men can feel "helpless" or "useless." My advice is to let him know that what he's doing is enough by just being there for you, your family and your dad. Let him know that as you all go through this uncertain process you'll look to him to add stability to your lives. Thank him for being your rock to lean on and for giving you that shoulder to cry on. Sarah Anma talks about "setting your spouse up to win." By letting him know exactly how he's helping to 'fix' the problem this is essentially what you've just done!
To strengthen your marriage remember this; just as individuals cope with stressful situations in their own way a marriage is no different. Cope as a couple. Avoid "I" statements and focus on the "we." Say, this is tough for "us," I think "we" need to recharge. Now you're dealing, deciding, coping and healing as a couple! Do this well and you may be amazed at how strong that bond becomes as a result.
In challenging times it can be a struggle to find a silver lining. As dark and stormy as those clouds may seem now, I believe if you handle it together you'll reap the plentiful harvest of a marriage and family unit that truly stands the test of time from season to season. I hope this helps.
Dr. Ish Major